The American Psychological Association defines boundaries as “psychological boundaries” that protect individuals and groups by setting “realistic limits on relationships or activities.”
What are personal boundaries?
In 1895, Gustave Le Bon, in his work “The Crowd. A Study of Mass Consciousness,” touches on the topic of the loss of conscious personal boundaries.
Later, in 1920, Freud, citing the works of Le Bon, returned to this phenomenon and in 1921 published the book “Psychology of Masses and Analysis of the Self.” Thus, the phrase “personal boundaries” has become a stable expression.
A person needs conditional boundaries in order to maintain self-confidence, stability and a sense of security. If boundaries are violated, a person becomes vulnerable to manipulation, parasitism and imposition of what is not close to him.
As a rule, types of boundaries fall into three main types:
- Physical. Includes personal space, physical intimacy and touch.
- Mental. Thoughts and opinions.
- Emotional. Feelings and emotions, emotional intimacy with other people.
Some authors expand the typology with additional points:
- Spirituality.
- Truth.
- Punctuality/time.
Boundaries apply to every area of life. Eg:
- emotional sphere;
- sensory sphere;
- sphere of personal life;
- area relating to timing and time in general;
- sphere of personal space;
- sphere of beliefs;
- religious sphere;
- sphere of principles;
- the sphere of material aspects and finances;
- social sphere;
- professional sphere;
- the sphere of social activity and social networks.
The list goes on and on. Absolutely everything that concerns you can be protected from strangers by personal boundaries.
Types of personal boundaries
Thanks to the work of Nina Brown, it is possible to typologize boundaries by dividing them into 4 main types:
- Soft. The owner of soft boundaries often becomes a victim of manipulation, as he tends to merge with the boundaries of other people.
- Hard. A person with rigid boundaries is closed from external influence internally and emotionally. Hard boundaries can be selective and affect only certain areas and zones. In the case of personal traumatization, rigid boundaries become a response of the psyche to the stress experienced.
- Fragile. The owner of fragile boundaries is somewhere in the intermediate point between soft and hard boundaries. Such boundaries allow less emotional content than soft ones, but more than hard boundaries.
- Flexible. Combines all types of boundaries. A person can control and choose the limits of permissible penetration. Owners of this type of boundaries are the most stable and protected from manipulation.
How to set personal boundaries
Boundaries can be one-sided – when a person unilaterally makes a decision regarding a particular topic and harshly suppresses any attempts by others to approach this issue. For example, he ignores questions, does not respond to messages, and refuses to discuss anything that goes beyond his boundaries.
They are joint – when all participants in the relationship group agree to comply with the chosen standard. For example, do not discuss topics of politics, religion, or personal life.
The most important step is to make the boundaries concrete.
They are usually abstract. We know that something is unpleasant or uncomfortable for us, but we cannot clearly name what it is.
To understand your needs, you need to determine exactly where this line is that separates your personal – closed, from your personal – accessible to society.
A good way is to write down the answers to the following questions:
- What gives me strength?
- What makes me uncomfortable?
- What causes stress?
- What makes me feel safe and secure?
- Where do I feel the most exhausted and weak?
It is important to learn to recognize your limits in order to find sources of resources. Plus, it will identify the areas that need to be monitored.
Basic steps for setting personal boundaries:
- Definition and visualization of boundaries.
- Statement of boundaries and indication of their limits.
- The ability to refuse.
- Taking time for reflection and awareness of your needs.
How to understand that personal boundaries are being violated
It is extremely important to recognize the lack of personal boundaries in time. Comfort and a sense of security in interaction with other people depend on this. If you abandon the idea of building personal boundaries, sooner or later, symptoms such as:
- Feeling depressed;
- Feeling resentful towards people asking for help;
- Avoiding calls and communicating with other people for fear that they will ask for something;
- Burnout;
- The desire to escape;
- Lack of time for your needs.
As a rule, it all starts with a violation of micro-boundaries. Then it goes on increasing.
Everyone has encountered a situation when, during a casual conversation, the interlocutor continues to come closer, invading personal space. This happens despite attempts to quietly retreat and create distance. Speaking directly about discomfort seems inappropriate, tolerating the approach seems uncomfortable.
Or they come to you with a request that you should not and do not want to fulfill, but you cannot directly say “I don’t want”, for fear of being mistaken for a rude or unresponsive person.
How to assert personal boundaries
You need to learn to say “no”. Raymond Lloyd, PhD gives an example of clear, non-rude language for asserting your boundaries:
- I can’t do this right now; I’ll get to that in due time.
- I prefer not to discuss this now.
- I understand what you want, but it goes against my values, so I won’t do it.
- This is a personal matter that I do not want to discuss.
- This is not your responsibility. I’ll take care of it myself.
- I have already stated my opinion. I don’t want to discuss this further.
- I already said “No” and I’m not going to argue with you about this.
- If a person continues to object and put pressure, simply repeat after each objection: “I said I won’t argue.”
