Let’s figure out how not to fall for the bait of an abuser and manipulator. It is important to understand that “he” in the context of the article is used not only in relation to the male gender. We mean the word “person” because abuse has no gender.
What we can often hear from victims of abuse:
- “He doesn’t beat me. He makes money. Sex is great. We often go on dates. But I don’t understand why I feel so bad. It seems like there’s something wrong with me,” such thoughts arise, when you live with an emotional abuser.
- “Everything seemed to be fine, but I don’t understand why I felt so uncomfortable and ashamed,” when I met a friend for a cup of coffee.
Physical and sexual violence is not difficult to recognize: assault is used – this is proof and a fact, actions of an intimate nature are taking place against the will of another person – proof and fact.
What is the evidence for emotional abuse? Often it is not so easy to recognize them, because they can be presented as a joke or sarcasm. At the same time, the victim of psychological violence is in great pain, sometimes a person can fall into depressive states, experience anxiety and a depressed state.
How to recognize abuse? Signs of emotional abuse
What signals might indicate that you are dealing with an emotional abuser:
- Rejection. Manipulators do not speak openly and do not know how to negotiate: “You see how great her husband is? And he goes out with the children, and invites them on dates, and has saved up for a trip.”
- Manipulation can be recognized by feelings of uneasiness, anxiety and fear of not conforming. Those very moments when everything seems to be fine, but why then is it so uncomfortable? As if something is pressing on you.
- Your emotions seem strange and inappropriate. It seems that a person is talking about a banal topic, and you have sharp outbursts of rage at the format of the conversation.
- Systematic pressure on past mistakes to get what you want. Well, of course, why do we need to go somewhere? Call your friends, go fishing, it’s more fun with them.
- Generalizations with devaluation: yes, everyone knows this. It is clear to everyone that a man should… A woman should behave this way.
- Gaslighting is misleading. “It seemed to you”, “I didn’t say that, you made it all up”, “I didn’t mean that, you’re back with your stupid nonsense”
- I want to serve (fawn over) my partner all the time, and apologize just in case. Show your best sides, be afraid of the wrong reaction. Smooth out corners without expressing your opinion.
- Inadequate control. “Where are you? What do you mean? Who gave you permission to go there?”, “take a picture of the situation and send a geotag right away,” “Where are you going dressed like that?”
- Unpleasant, offensive jokes. Well, why are you offended? This is a joke. Apparently your sense of humor is not all right.
- Pressure on pity. You seem to want to yell at the person for his cause, but you can’t help it.
- Loss of sexual desire. This point is more typical for women. It seems that everything is ok, there are no global problems and no reasons for offense, but I don’t want him to touch me.
- The requirement to quickly make imposed decisions, which you need more time to comprehend. Now or never? Answer!
- Vague claims using “always”, “never”. You always do this. You never understood me.
- Answers a question with a question. Can you think for yourself?
What to do if you realize that your partner is an emotional abuser?
If any of the points above sound familiar, there are several things you can do to regain control of the situation and protect yourself.
- Keep calm.
- Check. Bring clarity. You can specify endlessly how to throw the manipulator off balance. Are you saying that I…
- It is important for the manipulator to show that you do not play by his rules. You don’t agree. That you understand his hidden intentions and do not agree with it.
- Take a “closed pose” and increase the distance. Make sure there is a physical barrier between you. For example, a table.
- Break eye contact.
- If you are required to make immediate decisions, put it off. I can answer in the evening. No, not now. No, this is not possible now. I already said: wait until evening. I need time. And period.
- Technique “Movie Hero”. If the manipulator is a person close to you. Imagine that your loved one is one of the characters from a movie/fairy tale/cartoon/series. And everything that happens is just a game. And he is an actor in this game. Look at his actions as if they were a game.
- Assertive behavior can be used. This is positive, mature human behavior. Who hears the needs of others, remembers his own and wants to come to a compromise.
Sometimes it is possible to convince an abuser by showing him that his actions are causing you suffering. You can give him an ultimatum: the only chance to continue the relationship with you is to change his behavior. If he is ready to take this step, then perhaps there is still a chance for the relationship to improve.
If your partner does not want to change and does not agree to seek professional help, then perhaps it is time to decide to end the relationship.
